Stop Over-explaining: If I’m Convincing, I’m Not Connecting
- Jane Alice Davidson
- Jan 2
- 3 min read
I’ve always known this about myself:
When I feel connected, I feel safe.
But real connection isn’t shared blood or shared space.
It’s curiosity.
When someone is genuinely curious about who I am, not what I can prove, not what I can justify, 'just who I am', I soften.
I feel seen. Heard. Considered.
I don’t have to defend or perform.
I just get to be.
For most of my life, I was surrounded by people who weren’t curious.
Not about my feelings.
Not about my experience.
Not about the inner world I was constantly trying to translate into a language they’d accept.
And where there’s no curiosity, there’s almost always judgment.
Where there’s judgment, there’s convincing.
That became my emotional default.
Prove I’m not “too much.”
Convince them my story is true.
Convince them I deserve compassion.
Convince them I’m worth loving.
And that kind of explaining?
It’s soul-draining.
The Moment I Started Tracking My Energy
Eventually, I started paying attention.
Not to what people said they cared about.
But to how I felt after being around them.
How tired I was after certain conversations.
How I left interactions feeling smaller, not fuller.
How often I was trying to sell my humanity to people who’d already made up their minds.
That’s not intimacy.
That’s a hostage negotiation.
And that’s when the truth landed, clean and brutal:
If I’m convincing, I’m not connecting.
And if I’m not connecting?
I’m done explaining.
What Changes When You Stop Justifying Your Truth
Here’s what I didn’t expect:
When I stopped trying to convince people who weren’t curious, I didn’t lose connection.
I found it.
Because the people who are meant for you?
They don’t need a PowerPoint presentation about your pain.
They don’t need footnotes and evidence.
They don’t need you to perform your worthiness.
They just ask.
And then they listen.
That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
Curiosity is the quietest form of love.
And when it’s absent, no amount of explaining will fill that space.
I didn’t fully understand how exhausting it was until I realized I needed to 'stop overexplaining' to people who weren’t curious in the first place.
Not because they were bad people.
But because I was trying to force connection where there was only judgment.
And you can’t convince someone to care.
You can only recognize when they already do.
The People Who Deserve a Front-Row Seat
Here’s the truth I wish someone had told me earlier:
If they’re not curious about your heart, they don’t deserve a front-row seat to it.
That doesn’t mean you withhold.
It doesn’t mean you become cold, guarded, or cynical.
It just means you stop auditioning.
You stop translating your truth into a version they might approve of.
You stop shrinking yourself into something easier to digest.
You stop over-explaining.
Because your truth doesn’t require translation for the right people.
It just requires presence.
Theirs and yours.
What to Do With This
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself, if you’ve spent years trying to be understood by people who were never really listening—here’s what I want you to ask yourself:
Where in your life have you poured energy into being understood?
And more importantly:
What changed when you stopped justifying what you already know is true?
Because that shift from convincing to connecting isn’t about becoming colder.
It’s about becoming clearer.
About who gets your energy.
About who gets your story.
About who gets you.
And the people who are meant to be close?
They won’t need convincing.
They’ll just be curious.
A Reminder for the Road
You don’t need to explain yourself to be real.
Your story is true whether or not someone believes it.
Your feelings are valid whether or not someone validates them.
Your experience is yours, whether or not someone understands it.
And the right people?
They won’t make you prove it.
They’ll just ask, “Tell me more.”
And then they’ll stay.
A Slice of Humble Pie
If they’re not curious about your heart, they don’t deserve a front-row seat to it.
Reflection Prompt
Where in your life have you poured energy into being understood, and what changed when you stopped justifying what you know is true?
Affirmation
I don’t need to explain myself to be real. My truth doesn’t require translation for the right people.
Thank you for reading. If this stirred something in you and you’d like to spend more time with this work, you can explore The Humble Pie 12 Steps and learn more about how I support people as a trauma recovery coach.
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