When Caregiving Becomes Self-Abandonment: Why Overgiving Isn’t Love

There’s a version of caregiving that looks generous on the outside but feels draining on the inside... the kind that leaves you exhausted, resentful, and somehow lonelier than before. When caregiving becomes self-abandonment. Many of us were taught that love means being endlessly available, endlessly understanding, endlessly forgiving. We learned to equate devotion with depletion.

But overgiving isn’t love.

It’s fear dressed up as devotion.

Sometimes “being helpful” is really the terror of losing connection. The fear of disappointing someone. The fear that if you stop carrying the emotional load, the whole relationship will collapse, and you’ll be blamed for the fallout.

So you keep giving.

You keep caretaking.

You keep being “the strong one.”

And at some point, you disappear.

Self-abandonment is subtle. It doesn’t announce itself loudly. It creeps in through the moments you say yes while your body says no, through the apologies you offer for things that weren’t yours, through the caretaking you do because the relationship doesn’t feel stable unless you’re the one holding it together.

But love built on self-erasure isn’t closeness.

It’s survival.

And survival has a way of masquerading as loyalty, especially for people who learned early that connection had to be earned, maintained, or rescued.

Here’s the truth your nervous system already knows:

Healthy love has room for you.

Balance isn’t selfish. It’s what makes love feel like love again, warm, mutual, chosen, and sustainable. When you stop abandoning yourself, the relationships that are meant to stay will adjust.

The ones that can’t?

They were being held up by your self-sacrifice, not real intimacy.

Learning to give without disappearing is one of the most tender thresholds in healing.

And once you cross it, you never go back.

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Thank you for reading. If this stirred something in you and you’d like to spend more time with this work, you can explore The Humble Pie 12 Steps and learn more about how I support people as a trauma recovery coach.