I Thought Belonging Meant Believing: Reclaiming Spiritual Autonomy

Belonging to a church community used to mean everything to me.

It was structure, predictability, and purpose...

a place where I felt seen, even if the version of me they saw wasn’t entirely real.

I told myself this was the price of love.

That obedience was faith.

That questions were rebellion.

That doubt made me dangerous.

So I became someone palatable.

Agreeable.

Reliable.

The woman who showed up with baked goods, casseroles, and silence.

The one who never let her grief get too loud or her curiosity get too honest.

But under the hymns, the handshakes, and the coffee hour smiles,

I was disappearing.

Because I wasn’t there for connection.

I was there to prove I belonged.

And belonging, in that world, had far more to do with compliance than with truth.

Step 6 is where I become willing to let that go.

Not out of bitterness.

Not out of rebellion.

But out of clarity.

I no longer confuse community with conformity.

I no longer believe God lives in fear or shame or performative reverence.

I no longer need to fold myself into a smaller shape just to stay included.

Walking away was lonely.... achingly so.

But it was honest.

And I would rather sit in solitude than stand in a crowd where I have to disown myself.

Reclaiming spiritual autonomy helped me see that belonging rooted in conformity was never true belonging at all.

A Slice of Humble Pie

If a space requires you to hide who you are, it isn’t sacred, it’s scripted.

Reflection

Where have you mistaken belonging for approval?

What parts of yourself did you silence to stay inside a community?

What are you becoming willing to release so you can belong to yourself first?

Affirmation

I no longer trade authenticity for acceptance. I belong wherever I can be whole.