The Woman I Became to Survive: Reclaiming my Safety

Get up at a certain time.

Make sure the finances are stretched and balanced.

Prep the meals.

Exercise.

Eat the right things, or at least eat the wrong things in private.

Get the kid up, dressed, out the door.

Don’t cry too hard on the way to work.

Keep makeup in the console for emergencies.

Try not to think about how the outfit that fit last week won’t zip today.

Don’t feel too much.

Don’t complain.

Just smile. Be grateful. Be efficient. Be thin.

Get through the school day.

Be positive. Be agreeable.

And stay alert.... because the woman everyone praised for her kindness,

the one adults adored and called gentle,

was the same woman who would pull me aside and say things sharp enough to cut.

Her niceness was public.

Her cruelty was private.

And I learned early that some people perform compassion for an audience

and reserve their real voice for the ones they think won’t be believed.

Then go home.

But enter carefully.

What mood is waiting for me there?

Which version of him will I meet today?

Will he like the dinner?

Did I make enough?

If I get it wrong, what will it cost me?

And if my daughter struggles at school, that must be my fault, too.

This is the woman I became to survive:

The one who anticipated every need, every threat, every shift in the air.

The one who didn’t have a nervous system, only a surveillance system.

The one who lived by a rule carved straight into her bones:

Don’t make it worse.

Don’t be the reason.

Don’t be the burden.

Don’t give them an excuse.

She did her job.

She kept me alive.

But she kept me small.

Step 8 is where I stop confusing survival with a life.

Reclaiming my safety helped me see that survival mode created a woman who could predict danger but rarely experience peace.

A Slice of Humble Pie

If walking on eggshells burns more calories than your actual workout, it’s time to leave the kitchen.

Reflection

What roles or routines did you maintain to protect yourself from conflict, criticism, or collapse?

What part of you disappeared inside the performance?

Who do you become when survival is no longer the requirement?

Affirmation

I no longer exist to soothe other people’s dysfunction.