Step 4 Day 1: What They Called Disrespect Was Actually Hurt

She wasn’t difficult. She was hurting.

I was talking to another mom recently..... one of those easy, casual conversations that suddenly shows the wiring underneath. She told me how proud she feels when people compliment her kids for being polite, well-behaved, and respectful. The kind of kids you can take anywhere.

I get that. For a long time, I thought that was the highest compliment, too. If my child was “easy,” it meant I had done it right. It meant I was a good mom.

But the other side of that story is one I know too well. When children aren’t easy, the parents aren’t usually blamed. The child is. The kid who talks back, cries too hard, or withdraws is called disrespectful, dramatic, or difficult. Those labels stick. They become an identity. And when that happens, no one asks what really happened. Disrespect is hurt.

No one asks why the behavior showed up in the first place.

That’s what Step Four feels like to me. Making an inventory of those old labels. Writing down the parts of myself that were misunderstood or misnamed, not to punish or shame myself, but to finally tell the truth: my pain was never disrespect. My intensity was never a flaw. Those were just the things no one wanted to look at.

I see now how easily that false story got passed down: that respect means compliance, love means performance, and being good means silence.

A Slice of Humble Pie: The inventory isn’t about my sins, it’s about naming the lies I inherited, and separating them from my truth.

Reflection: What labels were placed on you that misunderstood your pain? Which of those still echo in your head, and what truth could you write beside them now?

Affirmation: My pain was never disrespected. My voice is not a disruption. It’s a return.

If this step speaks to you, take a quiet moment to make your own inventory. Write down the labels or names that were put on you when you were hurting, then write the truth beside each one. Notice how the story changes when you get to name it for yourself.