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The Quiet Things That Shape Us: Trauma Beyond the Obvious

Writer's picture: Jane Alice DavidsonJane Alice Davidson

Updated: Jan 16

When people think of trauma, they often imagine catastrophic events—car crashes, assaults, or acts of war. These are undeniably traumatic, but trauma also comes from quieter places, from what doesn't happen rather than what does. It's the absence of love, validation, and safety. It's the systemic failure to protect, nurture, or take accountability. And it's the wounds inflicted not just by abusers but by the bystanders, deniers, and enablers who look the other way.


This reflection explores trauma in its quieter forms—the overlooked moments and omissions that leave scars just as deep as overt harm. It also looks at how these experiences are reinforced and perpetuated, often by the very people and systems meant to help.


The Weight of What Doesn't Happen


Trauma isn't always about a single event. Sometimes, it's about the lessons we were never taught, the comfort we never received, or the boundaries we were never allowed to set.


Emotional Education and Boundaries


The landmark Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study highlights how neglect and household dysfunction profoundly impact long-term mental and physical health (Felitti et al., 1998). Many children grow up without learning how to advocate for their needs or establish boundaries, leaving them vulnerable to manipulation and unable to create spaces where they feel safe.


Secure Attachment and Safety


John Bowlby's foundational work on attachment theory demonstrates that secure attachment—feeling deeply safe and seen in the presence of others—is a cornerstone of healthy human development (Bowlby, 1988). Without it, children often grow up searching for safety in harmful places, mistaking control or breadcrumbs of affection for love.


Accountability


Accountability is replaced with denial or blame in so many families and communities. Victims are gaslit and told to "forgive and forget," while abusers face no consequences. Sweet (2019) explains how gaslighting, as a psychological tool, reinforces trauma by making survivors doubt their reality. This lack of accountability leaves scars that make healing difficult.


Support Services Without Follow-Through


Schools, religious communities, and even professional support systems frequently fail survivors. They may offer initial help but rarely address root causes or provide consistent follow-up care. These systemic gaps leave people surviving instead of thriving.


Reinforcing Trauma Through Assumptions


Trauma isn't just about what happens and how people and systems respond to those experiences. Often, assumptions and misjudgments reinforce the harm, making it harder for individuals—especially children—to feel safe or validated.


Misreading Behavior


When a child skips class, the assumption is often that they're lazy, 'shady,' disobedient, or "up to no good." Rarely do people ask if they might be avoiding bullying or seeking refuge from an unsafe environment.


Similarly, when a child steals, labeling them malicious is easy. But what if they're stealing food because they're hungry, as shown in the ACEs study (Felitti et al., 1998)? Or taking something because they feel safer in the environment where it resides? These actions often reflect unmet needs rather than ill intent, but punitive responses only compound their struggles.


Dismissing Coping Mechanisms


A child wearing headphones in class might be trying to self-regulate or concentrate. Research on trauma-informed teaching shows that such behaviors often stem from a need to manage sensory overload or regain focus (Brunzell, Waters, & Stokes, 2016). Yet, it's usually assumed they're being belligerent or disrespectful. Instead of being curious about why a behavior exists, these children are labeled "difficult."


Lack of Support at Home


When children are bullied at school, the expectation is that they'll find comfort and safety at home. But what happens when the home environment is equally hostile? A child ridiculed at school and returning to more bullying at home—whether from siblings, parents, or caregivers—is caught in an inescapable cycle of invalidation. These layers of trauma reinforce feelings of worthlessness, leaving scars that last well into adulthood.


Curiosity Over Judgment: The Role of Adults in Connection


We often lose sight of a fundamental truth: It is the responsibility of teachers and parents to connect with children, not the other way around. When adults expect children to bridge that gap, explain themselves, or adjust their behavior to meet adult expectations, they create a dynamic in which connection becomes conditional.


Too many educators and caregivers view children's behavior as a challenge to overcome rather than a window into their inner world. Deci and Ryan (2000) emphasize how curiosity fosters empathy, making it easier to connect with children and understand their behavior through a lens of care rather than judgment.


Instead of asking, "What's wrong with you?" We must ask, "What happened to you?" As Van der Kolk (2014) explains in The Body Keeps the Score, this mindset shift helps adults see beyond surface-level behaviors and address the root causes of a child's distress.




The Power of Connection


One of the most harmful aspects of trauma isn't the abuse itself—it's what happens afterward. As I once reflected:

"It's not just the abuse—the people who looked the other way. It's the abuser acting like it never happened. It's telling me to forget it and move on. It's the lack of outrage and concern over root causes. It's the normalization of harmful behavior. It's surviving after surviving."


When adults approach children with curiosity and care, they model relationships that foster secure attachment and emotional safety. They teach children that they are worth the effort and that their feelings and experiences matter.


Connection doesn't mean solving every problem or erasing every challenge. It means being present, patient, and willing to listen. This simple connection can be transformative in a world that so often fails to offer these things.


The Healing Process: Reclaiming Worth


Healing begins when we stop accepting breadcrumbs of love and demand to be seen, heard, and respected. As one quote states:

"Trauma makes you accept the breadcrumbs of love and affection. Healing makes you realize that you deserve someone who treats you like you're too important to lose."


For many, this realization requires cutting ties with those continually disrespecting or disregarding our boundaries. As another quote beautifully puts it:

"Love is the highest form of consideration. If you choose not to consider me in situations where I am to be considered, that will be the last time we speak."


A Call to Action: Moving Beyond Survival

Trauma keeps us in survival mode, but healing allows us to thrive. Thriving requires systemic change as much as personal growth. Schools, caregivers, and communities must address not just the symptoms of trauma but its root causes. We must create spaces where survivors feel safe, validated, and supported.


This is about breaking cycles—of harm, silence, and complicity. It's about teaching emotional education, fostering secure attachments, and holding people accountable. Most importantly, it's about choosing love as an act of consideration that refuses to settle for anything less than mutual respect.




Reflection Questions for Teachers, Caregivers, and Parents:


  • When a child's behavior feels challenging, do I pause to ask myself, "What might this child be trying to communicate?"


  • How often do I assume malicious intent instead of seeking to understand the root cause of a child's actions?


  • Am I modeling the emotional regulation and accountability I want children to learn?


  • Do I view my role as a connector and guide, or am I unintentionally trying to "fix" or "rescue" the child?


  • How can I create a safe space for the children in my care to express themselves without fear of judgment or punishment?


  • Do I give children the tools to advocate for themselves, or do I impose expectations without teaching them how to navigate those expectations?


  • Am I fostering curiosity about their behavior, or do I see it as a challenge to overcome?


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Bibliography


Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.


Brunzell, T., Waters, L., & Stokes, H. (2016). "Teaching with Strengths in Trauma-Affected Students: A New Approach to Healing and Growth in the Classroom." American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 86(4), 360-370.


Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). "The 'What' and 'Why' of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior." Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227-268.


Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., & Marks, J. S. (1998). "Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study." American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258.


Sweet, C. (2019). Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—And Break Free. Ulysses Press.


Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

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