**Trigger Warning: This post discusses learned helplessness and references a distressing psychological study involving animals. I intensely dislike the study itself, but it resonated with me in a way I couldn’t ignore. Please read with care.**
Introduction: The Kennel is Open, But They Won’t Leave
Imagine an abused dog locked in a kennel for years. It has been shocked, beaten down, and conditioned to believe that no matter what it does, pain is inevitable. Then, one day, the gate opens. The dog is free—but instead of running, it cowers in the back of the kennel, unwilling to step out.
This isn’t just about animals. This is how trauma rewires the brain, how learned helplessness keeps people trapped, and why some trauma survivors return to toxic environments—even when they have a way out.
Healing isn’t just about leaving the cage—it’s about learning to exist outside of it.
Why Some People Stay in the Cage: Learned Helplessness
Psychologist Martin Seligman coined the term learned helplessness to describe a disturbing phenomenon:
When animals (or humans) experience repeated suffering with no escape, they stop trying to escape—even when the opportunity is right in front of them.
In his famous experiment, Seligman placed dogs in a situation where they were given mild electric shocks with no way to avoid them. Eventually, when he did provide an escape route, the dogs didn’t even try to leave. They had learned that no matter what they did, pain was unavoidable, so they stopped resisting it.
This explains why trauma survivors—whether they’ve endured abuse, neglect, or deeply ingrained emotional pain—often don’t walk away from toxic situations, even when they can. They don’t believe escape is possible because their brains have been trained to expect pain no matter what they do.
Even When Set Free, Many Return to Trauma
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk expands on this idea with a haunting revelation:
Animals that were abused in their home environments often return to those same environments—even when set free.
They have been conditioned to believe that their home—even if abusive—is still safer than the unknown.
The same is true for humans.
This is why:
People return to abusive relationships, even when they have an exit.
Trauma survivors sabotage healthy environments because they don’t feel “normal” without chaos.
Many resist help or lash out at those trying to support them—because safety feels foreign and threatening.
It’s not because they want to suffer—it’s because suffering is familiar. And when given a choice between familiar pain or unfamiliar freedom, many will choose the pain they already know.
What This Means for Boundaries & Healing
You Can’t Drag Someone Out of the Kennel
Healing can’t be forced. You can open the gate but can’t make someone walk through it. If they’re not ready, they’ll retreat—or bite.
This is why setting boundaries is so important. If someone is still in learned helplessness mode, they may lash out at you, reject your help, or try to pull you back into their trauma cycles. That doesn’t mean you should destroy yourself trying to save them.
Compassion without boundaries is not compassion—it’s self-destruction. — Gabor Maté
You can’t sacrifice your own well-being for someone who refuses to leave their own pain.
Sometimes, You Have to Close the Kennel Door Again
When helping a traumatized person (especially a child or loved one), sometimes you have to pull back and let them process on their own.
Imagine an abused dog that’s still too reactive. If you open the gate too soon, it might bolt into traffic and get hurt—or attack the very person trying to help it.
This is why incremental freedom is key:
You can offer safety, but you can’t force trust.
You can model stability, but you can’t make them accept it.
You can love them but can’t stop them from rejecting that love.
And if they bite you, you can step away to protect yourself.
Walking Away Doesn’t Mean Giving Up
If a person chooses to stay in their trauma, that’s their journey—not yours.
If they reject freedom, push you away, or run back to the toxicity they know—that’s not a failure on your part. Some will need to experience life outside the kennel on their own terms.
And some? Some may not ever leave it.
Your job is not to drag someone into healing. Your job is to protect your own peace while leaving the door open for them—if and when they’re ready.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Their Savior
If you’re someone who has spent years trying to help someone heal, only to watch them resist, sabotage, or retreat, I want you to hear this:
You are not their savior.
You are not responsible for their healing.
You are not failing them by setting boundaries.
The best thing you can do is be a steady, grounded presence outside the kennel. Be someone who shows that safety is possible but also knows when to walk away.
Are you stuck in the kennel?
I know what that feels like. I’ve been there—trapped, convinced there was no way out.
But here’s what I’ve learned:
The gate is open. You don’t have to stay there. The past doesn’t have to define you.
You are allowed to step into something better. You are allowed to be free.
Whenever you’re ready.
Sources Cited:
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.
Seligman, M. (1972). Learned Helplessness: Theory and Evidence in Experimental Psychology.
Maté, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture.
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