The Search for Answers: When You Think You’re the Problem
At first, I didn’t have the words for it. I just knew I felt exhausted. Drained. Confused. Like I was constantly walking on eggshells, trying to get everything just right but never quite succeeding.
So, I turned to Google. I wasn’t searching for toxic relationships or narcissism—I was searching for what was wrong with me.
Why do I feel so anxious in my relationships?
Why do I feel dismissed and unseen?
Why do I feel like I have to earn love?
Why am I always the one apologizing?
Why do I feel like I’m too much and never enough at the same time?
What I found surprised me. Instead of advice on how to fix myself, I kept finding articles about boundaries, emotional manipulation, and toxic relationship dynamics.
And that’s when the shift began.
The Realization: It Wasn’t Me, It Was the Dynamic
At first, I still thought the answer was about me—that if I just learned how to communicate better, everything would improve. I had never even heard of boundaries in this context before, but they seemed like the missing piece.
So, I started setting them. And that’s when everything changed.
I assumed that if I calmly expressed my feelings—if I simply said, “That really hurts when you say that,”—the other person would understand and change their behavior. But instead, I got pushback, anger, defensiveness, or outright silence.
And over time, I started noticing a pattern.
How Toxic People React to Boundaries
When you try to establish even the most straightforward, healthiest boundary, here’s what you might hear:
“You’re too sensitive.” → Dismissing your feelings instead of considering them.
“Well, what about the time you did X to me?” → Shifting the blame onto you instead of taking accountability (aka 'blame-shifting').
"I had a bad day, so you just need to deal with it.” → Using external stressors as an excuse for mistreating you rather than taking responsibility for their actions.
“Oh, you think you’re better than me now?” → Making your self-respect seem like an insult to them.
"Your timing is always bad! Timing!" → Making it seem like any time you bring up an issue is the wrong time, shutting down the conversation before it starts.
“Stop lecturing me.” → Framing your boundary as a personal attack.
“You’re crazy.” → Gaslighting you into believing you’re the problem for speaking up.
Silence. → Ignoring you completely to shut down the conversation.
Projection. → Accusing you of doing exactly what they are doing (lying, manipulating, etc.).
Stonewalling- → acting like your words aren’t even worth acknowledging.
Whenever I set a boundary, I realized the response was about them, not me. Instead of curiosity or care, I got defensiveness, anger, or guilt-tripping. They weren’t concerned with how I felt—they were only worried about how my boundary affected their control over the situation.
And yet, I kept excusing their behavior.
I kept telling myself, Maybe I really am too sensitive. Maybe I should consider them more. But the more I looked at the pattern, the more I saw it clearly—I was always considering their behavior, but my feelings were never considered in return.
The Slap-in-the-Face Moment: “Why Are You Here?”
Of all the dismissive, gaslighting responses I received, one hit me harder than the rest.
“Why are you here?!”
I had tried to bring up something that hurt me, which should have been a normal adult conversation. But instead of listening or even pretending to care, they just snapped: “Why are you here?”
At that moment, something cracked in me. Because for the first time, I wasn’t just defending myself. I wasn’t trying to justify, explain, or prove that I was worthy of being heard.
I stopped and asked myself: Why the hell AM I here?!
Why am I staying in a dynamic where my feelings don’t matter?
Where my presence is treated like a burden? Where my attempts at communication are met with contempt?
That was the moment everything became clear.
Recognizing the Pattern: This Was Bigger Than One Relationship
At first, I thought this was just about one person. One relationship. One toxic dynamic. But the more I paid attention, the more I saw it everywhere—in family relationships, friendships, and even workplace dynamics.
The pattern was clear:
I often found myself pouring into the cup more than the other person, thinking that if I just gave enough, the relationship would balance out.
I was always considering their needs, comfort, and emotions—but mine were often left on the back burner, sometimes by them, but more often because I put them there myself.
And then I had a humbling realization: I wasn’t just stuck in toxic relationships—I was drawn to them without realizing it.
I realized when you don’t have boundaries and don’t feel like you deserve healthy love, you don’t just end up in these dynamics—you unconsciously seek them out, believing they’re normal or all you deserve.
Breaking the Cycle: Eating the Humble Pie and Starting from Scratch
One of the most brutal truths I had to accept was that some people simply don’t have the capacity for reciprocal love. And that’s okay—but what’s not okay is continuing to expect it, waiting for them to change, or sacrificing ourselves to earn it. Accepting this truth wasn’t just painful—it was necessary. Because once I saw it clearly, I had to take responsibility for what I did next.
I had to take responsibility—not for what happened to me, but for breaking my own cycle.
That meant:
Developing self-compassion—because setting boundaries is hard, and it feels clumsy and unnatural when you’ve never done it before.
Recognizing anger, frustration, and resentment signals that a boundary needs to be set.
Accepting that some people won’t like your boundaries is a sign they benefited from you not having them.
Committing to healthier relationships—ones built on mutual consideration, respect, and care.
Because healing isn’t just about recognizing toxic patterns—it’s about actively choosing something better.
And if you’ve found yourself wondering, Am I the narcissist?—you’re not alone. The reality is that true narcissists don’t ask themselves that question. They don’t seek deeper, mutual connection or reflect on whether their actions hurt others. The fact that you are even questioning it means you’re coming from a place of self-awareness.
And that choice starts with us.
Have you ever had a moment where you realized you were stuck in a toxic pattern? What helped you break free? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Suggested Reading
If this topic resonates with you and you want to explore it further, here are some insightful articles that dive deeper into toxic relationship patterns, boundary-setting, and healing:
How to Heal From Toxic Relationship Patterns – Psychology Today explores steps to recognize and break free from unhealthy relationship cycles, offering practical advice for redefining what healthy love looks like.
Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships – HelpGuide.org provides insights into the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries to strengthen relationships and enhance self-esteem, including strategies for establishing and communicating these boundaries effectively.
Toxic Relationships: The Experiences and Effects of Psychopathy in Romantic Relationships – This scholarly article examines the impact of psychopathic traits in romantic partners, offering an in-depth analysis of the experiences and psychological effects of such toxic dynamics.
Navigating Relationships: The Power of Healthy Boundaries – Published by Psychology Today, this piece discusses how setting boundaries is a mutually beneficial strategy to maintain healthy relationships and prevent burnout and resentment.
Comments